WHERE DO YOU FIT IN?
By: CaspHer
Feb 22, 2018
Question:
Where do you fit in, exactly?
Lately, I have been on a few radio/broadcasting shows and have been talking about all of the projects that I’ve been involved with. I am booked to talk to a much younger group of people who are blind and visually impaired about confidence and fitting in with groups.
In actuality, anyone who knows me a bit better than most people already know that I do not and have not ever sought to fit into any group or crowd. I have enjoyed being on the outskirts of everything from early on in life. In fact, I am comfortable with not “belonging” to any group or crowd at all. There are some or millions of people who drive themselves crazy trying to fit into someplace that wants nothing to do with them, the only way they’d realize they aren’t wanted is by being rejected harshly.
Originally from Miami Florida and raised in Boston, Massachusetts identifying as deaf blind and never having contact with anyone who lived with sensory challenges from birth until I was 24. I am 28 years old now and have learned a lot about my peers within the blind and deaf community. In respects to the adaptation to the blindness training and sign language, those parts of my life have developed as they should, I have adjusted to access to information around me.
Someone asked me if I feel like I fit into any group or community of people with disabilities and my answer was that I did not. I do not feel as though I belong to the blind or deaf and hard of hearing community. I can learn to communicate effectively but I will never have ownership of that sense of “belonging” because I was without that exposure for most of my life. I sometimes feel like I am intruding on all communities of people with or without disabilities. I am far too comfortable not being included and realize that it requires too much effort to prove if I am worthy of being part of a community of some kind.
I know my worth and would not need to seek validation from anyone about whether or not I should be able to feel confident about myself and my skills in certain things.
The Culture:
One day, someone asked me if I spoke any other languages other than English and I said that I did. In fact, I speak two other languages besides English and those other languages are ASL and Haitian Creole. Both of my parents are from Haiti and moved to Miami FL and that is where I get to say that I am from Miami. I learned to speak Creole from my mother and uncle always speaking in the language they feel comfortable with. I learned to use ASL for one reason and that reason is because I was born H.O.H (hard of hearing) and currently losing hearing in the remaining ear. I have an awesome mixture in the meantime. I wear Bluetooth hearing aids out in public and at home almost until bedtime. I usually disconnect from the world an hour before crashing so that I can enjoy practical silence without my device.
One day, I was at my office in the Massachusetts state house and I had run into former constituents who spoke my parent’s native language, one of them had been given a run around and was frustrated. In the midst of his frustration, he made a comment about my Haitian Creole skills and how “American” it sounded and that I needed lots of work on it. I left him with the last remark, “Well, if you understood what I said back there in the office, then it’s all good,” he was there behind still pissed and I carried off with the rest of my day. When someone who is straight from Haiti says something about another person’s Creole sounding too American and not Haitian enough, you are being criticized even after helping them get where they needed to be. If I were them, I wouldn’t worry about how “Haitian” I sounded, I would be more worried about getting the help I came for. I would appreciate the help I was getting from someone who at least made an effort.
In the eyes of most people who comes directly from another country speaking multiple languages, anyone who knows their language that isn’t from their country isn’t enough of that particular culture.
The disabilities:
Blindness
I am aware that a lot of people are not born blind or with low vision but I was born with blindness and deafness and I know no other way. There are organizations for the blind around the world and some are older than others. Some of these organizations have a very rigid and outdated philosophy while others are laid back. I have not been involved with each and every group but I have been involved with one for a short period of time. I quickly realized that I also did not fit in with any organization for the blind as well shortly into my training experience a few years ago. I kept noticing the treatment that was given between those who were totally blind or had low vision. It seemed like there was more favoritism towards those who were the classic totally blind individuals as opposed to those who had anything so much as light perception left, they treated with less respect. If you were someone like myself who had another disability outside of blindness, you certainly weren’t getting past the gates of being treated respectfully, the discrimination for not being a typical blind person is profound within the blind community.
I instantly identified as deaf blind and made sure those from the organization remembered to address me as a deaf blind student. I did not accept the title as just a casual blind person when being spoken to, only responded when the correct title was used. The same way they were strict about their rules, I had to be equally as strict about my personal rules as well. In the long run, they were forced to acknowledge that blindness was not the only disability in the world.
I graduated feeling relieved and greatly disappointed but glad I’d never waste my time with anything like this ever again. I felt that I certainly had no business calling an organization like that my family at all. Once again, bumped back to the outskirts of groups and crowds but feeling grateful of that reminder, a reminder that let me know again that I am a powerful person. I needed no group or person to tell me I was good enough for anything, I know that I am.
The Deaf deaf/blind and HOH (hard of hearing):
The first year of submerging into the deaf and hard of hearing community was easy going and smooth. I thought I would feel far out of place seeing how I was clearly the blind person walking around a deaf organization but all was well. I was welcomed into the deaf, hard of hearing community as the deafblind. Within the first few months of becoming a part of the deaf community, I acquired my sign name from a sign language instructor at Perkins, which was cool. I started taking sign language right after I graduated from the training center for the blind in 2015 going to 2016. It took a while to get used to “no voice” in classes but now that I have more experience, I could go a few hours longer with using strictly ASL. I have gotten to the point where I can use ASL interpreters and the sort with my skills. I am still improving and I would like to become a lot better in the future. More and more of my deaf and hard of hearing peers understand me clearly when I sign and that’s the best part.
During the summer of my first year with the deaf community, I learned a lot about how to address someone who uses an interpreter from events and gatherings. Although blindness is my leading disability, I am able to acknowledge other disabilities outside of my own at least. During that summer, I had more hearing than I do now but was still classified as deaf-blind.
A few years later, I am much more developed in my use of American Sign Language and still losing hearing in the remaining ear. Many people take classes just to learn the wonderful language or for work while very few actually use it for themselves. I am using it for myself and others I may come in contact with in the future. I have no problems learning new communication techniques as I find that experience to be very helpful.
I have met some folks who would try to decide for me if I belong in the deaf or hard of hearing community based on where I attended school and whether or not if I used sign language. At the time, my skills were nowhere near usable, I used an interpreter to interpret for me at the events. No, I have not ever been to a school for the deaf or blind and yes, I am oral. In the deaf community, “oral” means you speak with your voice before using sign language. I am an oral deaf blind woman. In my earlier years, I had speech therapy for speech impairment and that was where the mistake was made; there should have been someone around to teach sign language. I use amplification devices to hear in my remaining ear but would rather use an interpreter now that I have the skills and comfort. As the years go by and there are new comers, I will not make them feel uncomfortable at all. I would hope they feel as if they fit in or belong when they arrive whether to a training center for the blind or an American Sign Language class.
As far as fitting in, i do not necessarily fit into one box but I get along with both sides relatively fine.
I’ll ask again; where do you fit in with any list of communities you are involved with?
