By: CaspHer
Many people have had reoccurring dreams and or nightmares for many years. Not many can say they’ve seen certain parts of the world in person that triggers the memory profoundly is astonishing. To see something in real life that looks exactly like what you’ve been seeing in your dream, uncertainty looms and a flood of memories come back. The dreamy feeling is totally gone as you’re trying to figure out why this is happening. It’s almost like a deja vous that no one asked for.
Ten years ago when I was nineteen years old, I was in a totally different mind space at that time. I was submerged under high levels of stress and abnormally high amounts of anxiety that followed me throughout my life. I was younger and always worried about the outcome of my life when I got older.
Questions popped up in my mind at that age:
Will I live to see twenty-one?
Am I worthy of all of the things I would need in life?
What am I supposed to do in life?
Where will I end up many years later?
Will I get the help I need eventually?
Why is this anxiety so heavy on me?
Will I have friends or a friend that I can speak to after this stage in life?
What in the world will I look like when I turn 32 years old?
I hope I can contribute to society and have a good job at least.
Will I be useful in society?
What will I be good at in life?
Until one night, I experienced an unpleasant episode of sleep paralysis which was definitely not new but annoying. I experience sleep paralysis whenever I am extremely tired and haven’t had enough sleep. My episodes start with a tingle sensation down the right side of my body from the head down. After that, I would feel sudden weakness and heaviness all over my body and along with that comes a loud noise. After that loud noise, I’m in the process of having an episode that lasts for a few minutes. The length of an episode is typically three very long minutes. After that happens, I wake up feeling even more exhausted and would need to continue resting. Disorganized sleep patterns or abrupt awakening during rest can trigger episodes the following night. This means, someone like this cannot and should not ever be touched during sleep or awaken unless it’s a serious matter. Folks like myself will pay the consequences the next night or any time I’m allowed to sleep. When we finally wake up, you better be long gone because we’re not the happiest people with the prettiest choice of words.
The reoccurring dreams began when I hit a new level of anxiety over some college finals that I was sure to do well in but remained nervous about.
It began with me making my way up the stairs to a room or space that I needed to be in. I would make my way to the doorway of the room or space I needed to be in. I would try to open that door and I would get in that room. The room was furnished with elaborate and extremely fancy tables and curtains. The floors were a shiny wood panel design. The windows were high up and allowed natural lighting into the open space. The walls were lined with shelves filled with ancient appearing books of all colors. The ceilings appeared to be extremely high. The walls were an off white with etched in designs. Not many people were in there except one other person. There was another door off to my left that I need to walk through but I suddenly couldn’t get to the door. It was like being frozen in time as I made my way to that space. I felt a sense of familiarity with this space but had never seen it in my life at all. Everything felt like I had already been there but this room felt very new in the dream.
Each time I drew closer to that door with the large handle, someone from the distance would alert me that I could not go through that door. When I heard that voice tell me I couldn’t go through that door, I grew frustrated because there was a need to go through it. Once the voice went off, the dream suddenly ended. I’d always wanted to know what was behind that door for several years.
Until a few months ago as a 29 year old; this time, I was not walking up any carpeted steps to a primary door. I was already inside of the brightly lit room. Only this time, it appeared to be mid-afternoon where the light hung lower throughout that space. No one else was there but me and that door I’d been wanting to open since I was nineteen years old! The shelves looked a little empty and no other details were noticed. I still had that very dreamy feeling along with a bit of urgency to open that door. This space gave off the feeling of old excitement, old news, needing something better than a door that probably lead to nowhere.
When I finally rested my hands on the doorknobs, I jangled the knobs and pulled them apart as quickly as I can. The doors flew open effortlessly and I came face to face with an almost look alike replica of my current bedroom but only in a much larger space. The shelves were slightly empty yet again. I felt like I’d missed something but was uncertain of what that was. It felt like time had expired for whatever it was I was in deep search for. I was not sad or angry. I was just perplexed about the unnecessary urgency to open a door that lead to nothing for 10 years.
When I woke up in my current time, I suddenly felt a sense of accomplishment in regard to the mysterious door that reoccurred in my dreams for several years. I’m uncertain of what any of this meant but I was glad to see what was on the other side of the door.
Over the years, I had accomplished a lot more than I had intended in life. I’ve traveled to places I had no interest in visiting when I was younger. I had met people I didn’t know existed. I’ve had terrible times and very good memories over the years. I’ve bonded with people from all over. I’ve had experiences I could never believe if someone told me if I were nineteen. I would have blew them off and told them they were joking. I grew older and more open minded to different lifestyles and different ways of thinking which made me a better person over time. Nineteen year old CaspHer was very reserved and afraid to explore beyond the bubble of familiarity. As an older adult, I am much more approachable in comparison to when I was much younger. The younger me intended to hide away from people and never wanted to be seen by anyone outside of class.
Many weeks ago, I was in a library in Watertown, Massachusetts and I just happen to have an Aira agent on the phone. I asked him to tell me what was outside and across from this space. He explained everything in detail. He told me that I was on the second floor peering out at another half of the building. He said it looks like an extremely old wooden door facing me through the window without stairs leading to anywhere! When he said that, I got a flashback to the dream about the door I had a hard time opening for many years. I asked him why would there be a door leading to nowhere on the second floor, he had no answer. I didn’t expect him to know which lead to me asking the library receptionist about the door on the other side of the building. She flagged down a custodian who knew and told us that was the old entrance to the library. I still had the Aira agent on the line and we were completely fascinated by this. For some odd reason, the flashback of this dream got more and more intense. With the agent on the line, he and I walked across the building for a short distance to see where the door lead. When I approached the door, it had been padlocked securely. We understood that if we opened that door, we were going to fall down two floors onto the pavement, that’s why we couldn’t open that door. This door literally lead to nowhere.
To answer the questions I pounded through my mind many years ago; I am a useful member of society as an instructor for the blind and visually impaired. I am a friend to someone, people care about my existence and I am indeed worthy of all good things I work hard for. I do not look very different as I thought I would. I grew longer hair with a better sense of fashion is all. I am enough. I matter. Anxiety will not win even though it feels very strong and can drain any hopeful feeling if allowed to.
The End
